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This post is part of our Healthy & Whole series to inspire a lifelong passion for home cooking and a sustainably healthy lifestyle. See the entire series here.
On days like today, I could eat everything that isn’t nailed down. I find myself sneaking into the kitchen…I rummage through the refrigerator for something to eat. I justify my nibbling by telling myself that after such a hard day, I deserve something satisfying. Munching makes me feel good…And after all the leftovers are gone, I still feel like I need something else. So I open up a box of cookies. I can’t stop eating them until I am way passed stuffed. Why does eating feel so good in the moment, and then I feel so much worse than when I started?
–Rachel, from “50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food” by Susan Albers, Psy.D
If you find yourself identifying to the words above, you’re not alone – and you’re not crazy. Food has the power to reduce stress, bring comfort, and alleviate boredom. But it’s easy to start to rely a little too much on food as a coping mechanism. After last week’s post on the inner critic, I felt it was time to bring back the topic of emotional eating to our Healthy + Whole series: eating food in response to a feeling instead of eating to relieve hunger. For example, feeling overwhelmed, guilty, joyful, stressed, shameful, or bored can drive us to eat.
I will be the first to admit this is a struggle for me. After a long day, there’s something therapeutic to me about mindlessly downing a comfort food, combined with multitasking on my phone or computer. Or, after I’m in a stressful situation like a disagreement or confrontation, I might head to the cupboard for some dark chocolate or salty popcorn.
Running to food for comfort is a what’s called self-soothing technique, a method people use to cope in response to a stressor. Self-soothing techniques relax your body and calm your nerves, as a way of coping with the responsibility and stress of daily life. Downing chocolate chip cookies or a margarita after a hard day is perfectly reasonable occasionally, but ingraining those patterns is when it starts to become a problem.
For example, you might be using food to self-soothe if you find yourself repeatedly:
- Eating when you aren’t hungry, but can’t stop yourself
- Feeling guilty about eating when you do it for soothing rather than to stop hunger
- Snacking in a repetitive or trancelike state
- Searching for something to eat, but not finding something satisfying
- Continuing to eat because you can’t determine or find what you want to eat
- Eating as a way to relax, after a stressful event or when you are nervous
- Eating foods you don’t even like because they are there and you need comfort
- Snacking to avoid boredom
If you feel like your relationship with food is more about self-soothing than you’d like it to be, I’d like to offer an encouragement: you are not alone! People struggle with emotional eating every day. And by removing the stigma from our eating choices, we can learn to live into freedom instead of out of guilt! There are all sorts of physical and social reasons why we turn to food when we’re stressed or worried (which I won’t go into here). In fact, there are entire books written on how we can start using healthy coping mechanisms in response to life’s stressors. Meaning: you are not weird. I don’t know if that makes you feel better, but just knowing others have similar struggles makes me feel some validation.
My main source for this topic is a book called 50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food, written by a psychologist named Susan Albers. (Susan, if you ever read this, I am a huge fan.) She speaks with an incredibly compassionate and encouraging voice about ways we can cope with stressors in a healthy way instead of turning to food. I would highly recommend her book if this is a topic that resonates with you.
If you want to eat more intentionally, there’s good news: you can remove the desire to be perfect in your eating choices. Instead, focus on taking baby steps towards a new way of eating. Here are a few ways Susan suggests to soothe yourself instead of turning to food. Like anything, these are easier said than done. If I have a craving for a comfort food, the last thing I want to do is take a walk. However, striving towards some of these practices can be helpful; even just knowing there is an alternative to soothing with food is beneficial.
- Practice mindfulness by taking a mindful walk: be fully present and notice everything around you, including the scenery, each of your senses, etc.
- Start a journal to keep track of your feelings and help you analyze your situation in a more positive, realistic way.
- Practice mindful spiritual moments: find a short prayer, Bible verse or saying and repeat it several times until your urge to eat lessens.
- Sweat it out: either at the gym, or use your normal daily activities as a way to get endorphins going, like daily chores, running after kids, even an impromptu dance party.
- Try chewing on something that’s not food related, like a breath mint or stick of gum, or cope with an oral fixation by drinking plenty of liquids.
- Distract your brain with an activity like reading a book, listening to a podcast, or watching a movie.
- Share your struggles with a confidant who can be your cheerleader.
- Find a way to give something of yourself to others; start small with boosting someone’s self-esteem a compliment, or volunteer your time to help a friend or neighbor.
I’ve used many of these techniques with some degree of success. Another great examination of this issue is this past Healthy + Whole post written by our friend Kathryne Taylor of Cookie and Kate. She shares some raw stuff and is super inspiring.
How about you – do you have any tips for soothing without food? We’d love to hear from you.
Note: Binge eating is frequent and repeated overeating to alleviate stress or negative feelings. If you think you have symptoms of binge eating or another eating disorder, you may want to seek out professional support.
Sonja, this is a beautiful post. Well written and I like your approach to the topic, it’s honest and kind. Your healthy and whole posts are some of my favorites, just thought I would let you know! :)
Thank you so much, Erica! That means the world to me, so thank you for saying so! xo
Oh I love Susan Albers work! And your article is really thorough Sonja. Soaking in an epsom salt bath in the evenings is one of my go-to strategies.
Oh, I’m glad you know Susan’s stuff – she is awesome. Would love to talk more about this sometime :)
Oh I’d love to as well. :) Mindful eating is a big part of this health and weight game and something that comes up a lot in my work too. Do you know about Alber’s Mindful Eating Summit in November?
https://mindfuleatingsummit.com/
Hey guys! Thanks for sharing this post. I have come to the realization lately that this is me. A soother. I have never considered myself a “stress-eater” but I think it comes in many different forms and degrees. I struggle with this at work more than anywhere else. I have been attempting to change this with a hard stop, or cold-turkey. But it also takes a lot of forgiveness for myself as well. I lost 40 pounds over the past three years and I don’t want to go back due to things like this. Thanks again for writing this post, it’s a good read and very useful. I will check out the book.
~Jess
Jess, thank you for sharing this. First of all, congratulations on your weight loss! I had a similar realization to you a while ago; I think it is easy to eat to soothe and not even realize it’s happening! Half the time I’m not even in tune with the fact that I’m stressed or uncomfortable — and reading books like these made me much more aware of what is going on. I agree that sometimes cold turkey is the best method, since it usually is for me — I debated on whether to talk about that above too. However, it’s sometimes hard in the long run to maintain the cold turkey approach; hence the forgiveness you talk about here. Thanks for sharing, and I’m rooting for you! Let me know if you check out the book.
Sadly the link doesn’t work anymore.
Very informative post, thanks a lot for sharing.
You are very welcome! Thanks for reading.
Thanks for another Healthy + Whole installment. I love reading these and they are always so relevant for me. In the past, if I was upset, the answer was always food (ice cream, cookies, bread…you name it, I had it!). About five years ago I lost 40lbs and things have been very different since then (thank goodness!). I found it useful to figure out why I needed to be soothed. As in, what is going on with me that I am so distressed? Addressing my anxiety, distress, upset, etc… head on made all the difference. I stopped looking to be soothed by external activity and instead dealt with what was going on internally. Of course this is still a work in progress and I imagine it will always be. This is the stuff of life.
Creating distractions and finding alternate soothing mechanisms never worked for me. Because while I could distract myself from the craving or desire to eat…the root cause of the distress always remained and eventually I was overcome and then there was no distraction big enough…
Thanks again for another thoughtful post! xoxo!
You are so welcome, Kathryn – and thank YOU for commenting! I’m so glad these posts are relevant! I agree, addressing the root of the issue is HUGE; to me, soothing mechanisms focused on that (mindfulness, prayer, journaling) seem to be the most powerful. I have definitely been in the “no distraction big enough” situation :)
I am reading this as I scarf down a bowl of mac & cheese – my go to comfort food. I lost my dad six weeks ago and have gained 13 lbs since then. I needed to read this. Thank you form the bottom of my heart.
Brenda, I am terribly sorry to hear about your father. Please accept our deepest sympathies! It’s so easy to turn to comfort food more for support instead of nourishment in times like these (I know I would be). Sending thoughts and prayers to you in this time!
Thank you Sonja.
I love this so much. I am definitely going to check out that book because so many of those self-soothing signs describe me and my relationship with food. It is so great to see real people talk about these things, too.
And thank YOU for commenting! This book is great: not just for the techniques, but for learning more about soothing & eating in general. Let me know if you check it out!
This was exactly what I needed to read this morning. Particularly this sentence: “And by removing the stigma from our eating choices, we can learn to live into freedom instead of out of guilt!” Very well said, there and in the whole post. Thoughtful and objective, but still so personal. Thank you for this post! xo
Hooray for freedom! So glad to hear that this was helpful – and thank you so much for the nice feedback, Becca! It’s hard putting things out there so I really appreciate you saying so.
Fantastic post, and a topic many of us can relate to, I’m sure.
What emotional eating meant to me was turning to cookies and muffins when I’d had an overwhelming day. I didn’t necessarily eat huge amounts and the results couldn’t really be seen on the outside, but I felt such shame about that it didn’t make things better. Luckily, I’ve learnt to deal with my feelings on a completely different way. I took this online course called Go Sugar Free and it’s amazing how it helped me get that behaviour under control. (BTW, I’m not compensated in any way to talk about it, I just love it!)
Thank you for talking about this!
Thank you for commenting! I’ve heard of that Go Sugar Free course – all good things, too! I agree that I’m much more apt to emotional eat when I’m allowing sugar in my diet. I’ve done a few sugar fasts and I’ve been amazed at how little I want to turn to it or any other comfort food when I cut it out of my life.
❤️